


Paranoid

by ThisIsHowIShowMyLove (Aelphaba)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Cognitive Distortions, Gen, Insecure Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Post-Episode: Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Self-Doubt, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21865738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelphaba/pseuds/ThisIsHowIShowMyLove
Summary: There was an excellent reason why everyone tried to avoid using the word paranoid around Virgil. No one wanted to remind Thomas of Virgil's time as a Dark Side.However, after Virgil’s confession at the end of Dealing With INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, nothing can ever be the same.Happy Birthday, Virgil!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 11
Kudos: 164





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Virgil! Sorry it's a little late, but better late than never :)  
> 12/19/2019

There was an excellent reason why everyone tried to avoid using the word paranoid around Virgil. No one wanted to remind Thomas of Virgil's time as a Dark Side. In fact, none of the Core Sides talked about who they had been before – the various stages they had passed through as Thomas developed. No one really spoke of Inspiration, who had handled all of Thomas' creativity before he split into Roman and Remus. Unless Roman brought him up, that is. Good Manners, Kindness and Empathy were referenced from time to time, though little was said regarding the time before they had merged to create Patton. Logan had remained relatively static, evolving primarily from Thomas' curiosity and love of reading. Virgil's past, however, was something they actively avoided speaking of.

When Virgil first became aware of the mindscape, he was Fear. He protected Thomas from the Monster Under The Bed or the Thing Hiding In The Closet. He spent many sleepless nights with Thomas when he was a child, conjuring dozens of possibilities of what might be waiting for him in the darkness. As time passed and Thomas abandoned his fear of the dark, Virgil found new ways to keep Thomas on edge. He often had to yell a little louder to be heard than he had in the past, but that was normal, right?

Then Thomas hit puberty, and everything changed.

Virgil met the other Core Sides for the first time during junior high. He had been forced to yell at Thomas for so long that he had stopped being just Fear and had evolved into Paranoia. Thomas' social anxiety hit a peak in his mid-teens, much to Roman's unending frustration. Thomas had thrown himself into the theatre not long after that, which had pleased the Prince, but that hadn't stopped Virgil from reminding him of every possible thing that could go wrong on any given day. Virgil knew that there was probably a better way of going about this, but he could only work with the tools that he had access to.

It had been Thomas who had given him his current title. One of his friends had been diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder, leading to Thomas (and thus Logan) researching the topic incessantly. Virgil came to like the name – it had a feeling of permanence that Fear and Paranoia never did. The title also gave him access to the Common Rooms of the mindscape. He found himself far more able to influence Thomas' decisions, now that Thomas was aware of him. As Anxiety, he was allowed to be protective of Thomas in a way that he'd never been able to as Paranoia. It was a relief, not needing to scream to be heard. Thomas still hated him, sure, but Virgil was able to help him some of the time.

Remus showing up had dropped a spanner into the works. Deceit's jabs in the Selfishness v. Selflessness episode had been bad enough. Virgil had been forced to work overtime, giving Thomas different things to worry about, just to deflect his suspicions. But after Virgil's accidental confession, there was no way to hide it anymore. The look on Thomas' face… Virgil tried to play it off; to pretend that everything was fine. Yet, when he returned to his room, everything seemed darker all of a sudden. Virgil looked around, his eyes straining to pierce the growing gloom. He wrapped his arms around his middle and huddled into his hoodie. The room seemed to be growing colder the longer Virgil stood there. Maybe he should go out into the Commons, where it was warm? Would the Core Sides even want to see him, after what Virgil did to Thomas? He had spent the entire night practically torturing him for what Remus had been saying to him.

How could he have thought that Remus' mad ramblings would ever be something that Thomas would condone? Patton had been the primary force in the mindscape for as long as Virgil could remember. There was a reason why Remus had been banished once he split from Roman. And yet he had made the worst possible assumptions, just because Remus was finally making himself known again. Cognitive Distortions, Logan had called them. He'd jumped to conclusions, magnified the power that Remus had over Thomas' mind, mentally filtered out Thomas' protests, then loudly overgeneralised to the point where Thomas started believing he was a bad person. Remus' song would never have been able to affect Thomas as much if Virgil hadn't kept him up all night stressing.

Maybe he was paranoid. Roman had been hinting at it for ages. Even Logan apparently thought so, if this last episode was any metric. He may have changed his phrasing at the last moment, but there was no denying that his first instinct had been to call him… that. Had he actually changed at all? Patton, Logan and Roman certainly liked to speak of the character development they'd all had throughout the videos but was the same really true for him? There was no denying how their trip into his room after he tried to duck out had improved their response to him, but what development had he experienced? Was his lack of yelling the only new contribution Virgil could offer since becoming Anxiety? Perhaps he still was Paranoia… just a little quieter.

There was a knock on his door.

"Hey, Kiddo? I'm about to start dinner. Do you have any preferences?"

"I'm… uh… not really hungry, Patton."

"You've gotta eat, kiddo. Skipping meals is very unhealthy."

"I'll grab something later. I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."

"Well, if you're sure. I'll leave you some leftovers in the fridge. We'll miss you, though."

"Thanks, Patton."

"Let me know if you need any help."

"Will do."

Virgil listened in silence to the sound of Patton's footsteps as they disappeared down the corridor. His stomach growled softly. He hadn't really been that hungry… at least, not until Patton mentioned dinner. But he doubted the other two would be pleased to see him right now. They may have come to tolerate him more over the last few months, but that was based on him actually being useful to Thomas. There never had been a place for Paranoia in the central mindscape.

Things were much better for the other Sides (and thus for Thomas) if he stayed in the background. He couldn't duck out, but he could back off. His primary abilities would still be available – there would be no return of the 'big, bumbling, couch-potato man'. Surely the other three could be relied upon to keep Thomas safe? Virgil clearly took everything too far. They definitely wouldn't want him to eat with them. If he were them, he wouldn't even want to see him. It was much better this way.

Virgil's growling stomach echoed in the near-empty room. He would get something from the kitchen later.


	2. Chapter 2

It was late when Virgil finally left his room to raid the kitchen. Roman had insisted on an impromptu movie night after dinner. Virgil had been invited - Patton had been the one to knock on his door, and only Virgil's insistence that he was wrapped up in a project had convinced him to leave. Unfortunately, he knew in his gut that they didn't really want him there. Virgil had waited by the door, listening carefully for the sound of footsteps.

Logan went to bed first. He rarely lasted beyond the first movie, no matter how much Patton or Roman pleaded. _A proper sleep schedule is essential. Lack of sleep can negatively affect your memory, it weakens your immune system, and it increases your risk of heart disease._ Patton tended to follow after the second film. While the Moral Side preferred to follow 'Early to Bed, Early to Rise', he was a sucker for Disney movies and shows like The Office and Parks and Recreation, so Logan had insisted that he stick to a two-movie limit.

Roman would usually drag his feet for a while, sometimes watching an episode or two before finally heading up to bed. While he professed to need his beauty sleep, he was often worse than Thomas when it came to maintaining a regular sleeping schedule. While Roman could easily spend the whole night binge-watching Disney, the lack of an audience to play off tended to diminish his enthusiasm. Eventually, he would give up and head to bed, the strength of his pout practically recolouring the Commons. Once Roman had slammed his door closed (and it was very fortunate that both Logan and Patton had apparently fallen asleep and weren't disturbed by Roman's ruckus), Virgil finally felt safe enough to leave his room.

The leftovers Patton had promised were covered in plastic wrap and sitting in the middle of the top shelf in the refrigerator. In typical Patton fashion, the Side had left a note on top. _"We missed you tonight. I hope you enjoy your dinner! Love, your famILY."_ Virgil couldn't help the soft smile that pulled at the corners of his mouth. Patton was always so sweet. Maybe he should have come down to dinner, after all…

The look on Thomas' face when Virgil confessed to being a dark side flashed through his mind. The horror, the disgust Thomas must have felt, to realise that Virgil had been lying to him all this time. That Thomas had allowed the paranoia he feared for all those years to actually influence his decision making as if it were a useful and benevolent force. Virgil shuddered. Patton was just being kind. Patton clearly didn't realise who… no, what they allowed into the mindscape. He didn't deserve the courtesy of being cared for.

Virgil wolfed the food down, not wanting to waste it, but listened carefully for any movement from upstairs. Logan was occasionally prone to periods of acute maintenance insomnia and was known to come down to the kitchen in the middle of the night for a cup of tea when he couldn't sleep. Thankfully, both Roman and Patton were heavy sleepers and were extremely unlikely to find him down there.

His hunger sated, Virgil hastily washed up his dishes, leaving them out to dry on the rack. He refused to inconvenience them. It was bad enough that they had to share a living space with a dark side – Virgil would not force them to pick up after him as well. He glanced around the kitchen. Was there anything else he could do to help before he locked himself away again? Under normal circumstances, the chores were split evenly between the four of them. Patton liked to take care of the cooking, though Roman would take a turn from time to time, insisting that he needed a different way to express his creativity. Those meals tended to be hit and miss, but Patton always appreciated the night off. Logan took care of the cleaning roster. The Logical Side was a bit of a neat freak at times, so it was essential to follow the schedule to the letter. He hoped that Logan wouldn't get too angry with him for not pulling his weight.

At least he wasn't usually involved with food preparation. He didn't want to risk being accused of trying to poison the other Sides. With his current track record, it wouldn't take much for any of them to make that assumption. Once fingers started getting pointed, that's when the real damage would occur. Paranoia was a sickness, and he would infect everyone in time. Virgil grimaced. Perhaps he shouldn't have left his room at all.

Virgil quickly tidied up the living room – there were the remains of a blanket fort and a large bowl of popcorn that Roman left behind. He folded the blankets while picking at the leftover popcorn. He was going to miss hanging out down here with the others - Patton's blanket forts were the best. The rest of the downstairs areas were still reasonably clean, so Virgil soon found himself without anything to do. He fiddled with the strings of his hoodie. Was that it? Was there nothing else he could do? He wanted to help – he always had – but it always seemed to fall to pieces, no matter what he did.

Logan, Roman and Patton were better off without him. That much was abundantly clear. He hadn’t contributed a thing all day besides the video, and they were clearly getting along fine without him. He should just stay in his room, where he wouldn’t bother anyone. It would give them all a chance to forget about him, to focus their energy on each other and on better pursuits. Far better for them not to waste their time on someone as disappointing and destructive as Paranoia. Yes, he should stay away. Perhaps for good this time.

The floorboards upstairs creaked. Virgil froze. Was someone coming downstairs? His ears strained for any other sounds of movement. The step at the top of the staircase was notorious for how loudly it squeaked, so Virgil could expect some warning–

_SQUEAK_

Virgil's heart raced into triple time. Someone was coming downstairs. He couldn't let them see him. He had to sink out. The blankets in Virgil's arms fell to the floor with a muted thump. Virgil hurriedly backed into the kitchen, looking forlornly at the blankets he had spent so much time neatly folding now lying in a messy heap beside the couch, before closing his eyes and vanishing. A messy pile that would thoroughly confuse Logan when he tripped over them as he walked to the kitchen for a cup of tea moments later.

Despite Virgil's assumptions, the other Sides were actually very concerned about him. Every day before lunch – as Virgil was a late riser even on his best days – Patton would walk down the corridor from his own room and knock on Virgil's door.

_"Hey, Virgil? Are you okay in there?"_

With every attempt, Patton would wait for a few moments, listening intently, hoping for some sort of response from within.

_"I know you're probably working, but we're really missed you the last couple of days. You wanna come out and take a break with us? Maybe have something to eat?"_

Yet every time, he wouldn't hear a single sound.

_"If you're not feeling up to it, that's okay too. But you know what, Virge? We all love you, and you don't have to hide yourself away when you're feeling down. We'd be more than happy to look after you until you're feeling better. Don't shut us out, okay?"_

Eventually, Patton would grow discouraged and head back downstairs to eat with the famILY. Logan would offer to go in and speak to Virgil, and Roman would offer to break the door down and force the Anxious Side to come out. Each time, Patton would refuse. He insisted that if Virgil wasn't responding, then he likely wasn't feeling well enough to deal with their company, especially when it was uninvited. The subject would be forcibly dropped for another day, and the trio would go on with their lives.

After nearly two months of daily attempts with no response, it finally came time for another video for the channel. Thomas, Logan and Roman had been hard at work finalising the script, so it was left to Patton to inform Virgil. So, just like every other day, Patton knocked on Virgil's door.

"Look, Thomas is planning on summoning us for a video soon. So, I'll see you there, if not before."

Patton finally gave up and headed back to the common area. It was rather unfortunate that Virgil had not been working, as Patton had assumed, but rather sleeping, and thus had not heard a single word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincerest apologies for the delay. My editor went back to university and has been studying frantically. The remaining chapter will be out soon.


	3. Chapter 3

When Virgil finally woke, it was to the disconcerting sensation of a summons. He barely managed to resist the call, not wanting to be dragged on camera in his pyjamas. Since when was Thomas doing a video today? Why wasn't he told? The summons came again, a little stronger this time, and Virgil only just managed to stay in his room. There was no way he was going up there unless he was fully presentable. The last thing Virgil wanted was to face Thomas and the other Sides half-dressed and without any makeup. He didn't want to see Thomas at all if he could help it.

Virgil quickly dressed, not wanting to risk it in case he wasn't able to resist the summons. He almost considered not putting on his usual foundation and eyeshadow - he was white as a ghost, and the rings under his eyes were dark enough naturally. However, the paleness just made his freckles stick out several thousand times worse. He just hoped that Logan didn't try summoning him before he was done. He always seemed to drag everyone up by their hair, and while it looked like he just left his hair a mess, it took careful styling to look as edgy as he did. Virgil had put the final touches on his eyeliner when the third summons came. He allowed himself to be dragged into the apartment, cringing back when he realised that all eyes were on him. _Oh no…_

"Virgil? Are you okay?"

His heart started to race, and his breath grew shallow and fast as he struggled to draw in enough air. _Nonono… I can't have a panic attack here._ Virgil tried to sink out, but his focus was scattered. Logan was able to reach out and grab him before he could, pulling him forcefully back into the apartment. Virgil yanked his arm free, scrambling backward until his back hit the wall. He curled into a ball, burying his face in his knees, as voices seemed to explode around him.

"Virgil?"

"Virge?"

"Kiddo?"

"What's going on?"

Virgil curled tighter as hands began to paw at him. His heartbeat thundered in his ears, muffling the vocal uproar around him, but bringing nausea and dizziness. He hadn't had one this bad in ages… was this how he was going to die? On camera, in front of the world, with Thomas still hating him? He couldn't breathe.

Someone was tapping his leg. Virgil tried desperately to focus on the sensation, the pattern seeming oddly familiar. 1, 2, 3, 4. A pause. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Another pause. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. It took a few repetitions for the familiarity of it to register. It was the breathing exercise he and Thomas had learnt, back before he'd been accepted into the group. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. He could do that, right? His thoughts were starting to feel muzzy. The pattern began again, so he tried to breathe in. His lungs burned as he tried to hold for seven, and all the air came out in a rush during the count of eight. He started his count of four a little early, but whoever was tapping the rhythm adjusted with him, matching the counts to his breaths.

The first few rounds were a bit short, but they gradually lengthened out to the proper rhythm. The roaring in his ears gradually receded as he found himself breathing more slowly, and he felt nausea and dizziness start to fade. His mind began to clear, and Virgil was able to uncurl a little and take stock of his body. His fingers were aching, from where he'd been gripping his legs, but at least there was no broken skin this time. There was the beginning of a hell of a headache, his throat felt raw, and he'd apparently been crying.

The hastiness of its application after Virgil had woken meant that he hadn't had a chance to set his makeup. Great. All that work for it to be ruined by tears. And now everyone was going to see him looking like some sort of a panda-zebra hybrid with black and white tear tracks staining his face. And he probably didn't have enough foundation left to hide his embarrassment when Roman or the others inevitably mocked him for his look. Or his freak out. _Joy of joys._

The tapping stopped. Virgil hesitantly peeked out through his bangs to see who had been sitting beside him and helping him count. It was… Thomas?

"You back with me, Virge?"

_But… why would Thomas be the one? Why would Thomas want to help him? Didn't Thomas hate him? Virgil's eyes flickered around the room. It was empty of anyone except for himself and Thomas. Where were the other Sides?_

Thomas seemed to sense his question. "I asked everyone to go. I figured you wouldn't want an audience after a panic attack that bad – I certainly wouldn't. How are you feeling?"

Very confused, he wanted to say. He wanted to know when he should expect to be sent away. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't form the words.

"Can't speak yet? No worries. Talyn was saying that their voice is usually the first thing to go during a panic attack, and it can take a while for it to come back. I can do the talking until you're feeling more up to it if you'd like?"

Virgil ground his teeth together. How was he supposed to fix anything if he couldn't speak? Why wasn't Thomas sending him away?

"Alright then, let's start with something easy – are you feeling any better?"

Easy? How was that question easy? Virgil glowered at Thomas and gave an exaggerated shrug.

Thomas cringed. "Yeah, probably not the best question to ask first… do you feel like you're going to have another panic attack?"

Virgil took a moment to assess his mental state. He was definitely still anxious, he almost always was, but another panic attack? Relatively unlikely. He shook his head.

Thomas grinned. "That's good. Do you know what set you off? You don't have to tell me what yet. We can talk about that later."

Virgil nodded, barely resisting the temptation to roll his eyes. Obviously, they weren't going to _talk_ about it right now, he still couldn't speak!

"Do you want me to summon the others?"

Virgil shook his head violently before burying his head back into his knees. Wasn't the point of sending everyone away to prevent them from revelling in Virgil's shame? It was bad enough being like this in front of Thomas.

"Okay, I won't. This can just be the two of us, no problems there. Can I touch you, Virge?"

Virgil nodded against his knees. Everything was so confusing – no one was reacting the way they were supposed to. The Core Sides should be here, vilifying him. Thomas should hate him! And yet he was acting so gentle, so kind. Only pushing as far as Virgil allowed, asking for permission rather than for forgiveness. Thomas also seemed to be using his nickname way more often than usual today. It usually was a mix of Virgil and Virge dependent on the video and his mood. But today, it was exclusively the latter. Why?

A familiar hand came to rest against Virgil's shoulder blade. It scorched straight through Virgil's hoodie and down to his skin, burning like a branding iron. He hadn't spoken to anyone, much less been touched, in what had probably been days. How long had it been since the last video?

It was hard to keep track of the days in the cold and the dark of Virgil's room. Time moved strangely when you were anxious – minutes sometimes stretching into hours, or days disappearing in a blink. Consequently, Virgil could never track time reliably unless he routinely entered the Commons. He certainly had intended to. Initially. He had planned to eat on a relatively regular basis at first, but it had become nearly impossible to motivate himself after that first day. His hunger seemed to wane when he was like that and, eventually, the very thought of food made him nauseous. Had the other Sides even attempted to see him during his exile? He'd never heard from them, after Patton's attempts on the first day. Were they even bothered by his absence? Tears began to burn in Virgil's eyes again, and a soft whine slipped through his clenched teeth.

"Hey, Virge, it's okay. Can I give you a hug?"

Virgil nodded again, bracing himself for the agony Thomas' arms would inevitably cause. He was touch-starved, there was no denying it. Getting reaccustomed was always a painful process, but Virgil desperately wanted it. As much as he knew that he would have to get used to being alone again, there was nothing he wanted more than to have a proper hug.

Patton's hugs were free and available in abundance. They were warm and comfortable and easy to sink into. While Roman tended to squeeze too tight and Logan's hugs could sometimes be a little stilted, Virgil was never able to deny the affection they once held for him. They were good memories for Virgil, ones that he would always treasure. But he didn't expect to ever get another hug from any of the Sides, considering what he had done. Virgil would have to make do with the pain as a substitute.

Thomas' hug was like fire. Just like the earlier touch, the contact felt like a red-hot brand being pressed into his skin. Virgil was distinctly aware of every point of contact between them as Thomas pulled him close. The burning sensation was painful, yet the touch warmed him down to his core. Tears began to stream down his face, likely obliterating any remaining traces of Virgil's makeup. Thomas began to run a hand up and down Virgil's back, and the hum of his thoughts gradually quietened. Virgil only realised that he'd been shaking when the tremors finally slowed to a stop in the confines of Thomas' embrace. A sudden thought pierced through the growing calm of Virgil's mind, stirring up the worry again.

"H-how long h-has it been?"

Thomas's hand briefly froze, but he quickly restarted the motion as he spoke. "What do you mean?"

"S-since the last video. How long has it been?"

Virgil's fingers curled tighter in Thomas' shirt, dread pooling in his stomach. Did he really want to know the answer?

"It's been a few months, Virge." Thomas' tone was light, but he sounded concerned. "Didn't you know?"

A few months?! Virgil had been sure it had only been a week, maybe two since he had secluded himself. Had so much time really been lost? Why hadn't the other Sides come for him? Was Thomas okay? He'd decided to keep the line open to his abilities before he began to stay away, but what if he'd cut it off inadvertently? He'd never disappeared for that long before, even with the time distortions his room created. Was Thomas okay? Virgil's mind latched onto the fear, and he pulled back to face Thomas.

"Are you okay, Thomas? Has anything strange happened?"

Thomas looked at him, quizzically. "Am I okay? Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"Thomas…" Virgil replied, exasperation lacing his tone. _Did Thomas have no sense of priorities?_

Thomas sighed. "I've been okay, I guess – I mean, I haven't seen you in ages. I've been able to feel your presence, but nowhere near as much as usual. I know it sounds weird, but I've missed you, Virge. Where have you been?"

_Apparently not._ "In my room. I didn't want to withdraw completely – we all know what happened last time. I just... needed some time away."

"Why? Did I do something wrong?"

"What? No!"

"Was it the other sides? Did they do something to you? They all refused to say anything to me, no matter what I asked."

"Thomas…"

"I mean, Patton mentioned that you were working on a big project or something, but that was weeks ago."

"They didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why did you half duck out? Something must have happened. Did I do something? I'm so sorry…"

**_You see? Look at what your presence does to Thomas! Look at how paranoid he's getting._ **

"Thomas, stop! I'm the one who did something wrong."

There was an almost desperate glint in Thomas' eyes. "No! You couldn't have! It must have been me or else you wouldn't have…"

_**Duck out, Paranoia. Duck out now before you hurt him anymore.** _

_No…_

_**Duck out…** _

_I can't duck out._

_**Duck out, Paranoia!** _

_No!_

**"Thomas, I need you to take a breath. You haven't been around me in a while, so you're reacting a lot stronger than usual. In for four…"**

It took a few rounds of the breathing exercise for Thomas to settle again.

"What was that?"

"That was me, or rather that was you reacting to me. Are you alright?"

"I feel like I should be asking you that, Virge. You look like a ghost."

"I'll be fine, Thomas."

"Then why did you disappear?"

"I… You know why, Thomas."

"No, I don't. Can you please tell me?"

"I thought that if I backed off a bit, the others could keep you safe. They'd certainly do a better job of it."

"What?!"

"I mean, you should probably hate me. I've been hurting you, instead of helping. I'm a dark side, Thomas."

"What on Earth would make you think that?"

"…"

"Virge, you are not a dark side. You are one of my core personality traits. Why would you think that?"

"…"

"Come on, Virge, you've got to help me out here."

"…Remus."

"The Duke?! What he did wasn't your fault. We all know…"

"We all know that your sleep deprivation was because of my overreaction. He wouldn't have been able to affect you as much if it wasn't for me."

"Virge, it was perfectly reasonable for you to get anxious – Remus is a menace who has been bothering me for years."

"But it wasn't anxiety, I was… I was being paranoid."

"Virge…"

"I mean, I am one of them, I should have known better. You really should hate me."

Thomas sighed and Virgil closed his eyes, bracing himself for the worse. This was the moment – the moment where Thomas finally told Virgil exactly how he felt about him.

"I don't hate you, Virgil."

Virgil’s eyes flew open in shock. That was not the response he had been expecting.

"I'll admit I was surprised. But horrified? No."

That couldn’t possibly be right. Thomas couldn’t possibly mean that. Virgil had seen Thomas’ facial expression after he told him the truth. That wasn’t the expression of mere surprise. Thomas was placating him, lulling him into a false sense of security.

"What do I need to say to help you understand that I don't hate you?"

“You’re lying,” Virgil snarled, his voice rasping.

Thomas looked ready to pull his hair out. "What do I need to say to help you understand that I don't hate you?"

Virgil just shook his head, letting his bangs fall over his eyes. “Stop deceiving yourself, Thomas. Neither of us want to summon the snake on top of everything else.”

“I’m not…” Thomas sighed again. "Can I call the others? I'm not explaining myself very well. I know Patton and Logan were definitely worried about you. Roman probably was too, though he'd never admit it."

Why would he want to call the other three? Did he want an audience for when he finally tore Virgil to shreds? Perhaps he needed their abilities to come up with a creative, yet logical argument to truly get to the heart of the matter. That would make sense. He had ruined their lives just as much as Thomas'. It made sense that they should be allowed to participate in his punishment.

Virgil shrugged. "May as well get the Inquisition over and done with."

With a flamboyant gesture that was a little too reminiscent of Roman, Thomas called out, "Guys?"

Patton was the first to arrive. "Virgil!"

"Hey, Pops," Virgil replied with a salute.

The Moral Side made a brief movement forward as if he intended to jump on Virgil but was forcibly restraining himself. There was a hint of something not quite right behind Patton's smile. He seemed almost... sad? Virgil opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when Logan popped into the room.

"Ah, Virgil, it is good to see that you are doing better. Are you sufficiently recovered to begin filming?"

"Logan! Virgil's just had a pretty serious panic attack. He's going to need more time than that to recover. Surely your schedule can accommodate for some delays, can't it?"

"I suppose so. Thomas' other channel has been producing enough regular content to allow for a slight delay. Though, Thomas' fans have been eagerly awaiting the next Sanders Sides video."

"I'm sure the Fanders will understand - they've waited longer between videos before. Wasn't it nearly four months between Embarrassing Phases and Selfishness vs Selflessness?"

Logan cringed. "Don't remind me. That video was a figurative nightmare to film--"

Roman chose that moment to rise into the room and loudly announce his presence. "I've said it before, you don't need to say 'figuratively' every single time, Clark Can't. We all know that you don't mean 'literally'. Though," the Creative Side continued, his voice dropping to a mumble, "deciding to miss that callback was literally my worst nightmare."

"I sincerely doubt that, Roman," Logan replied, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "I--"

"Now, you guys," Patton interrupted. "There's no need to fight. I'm pretty sure Thomas summoned us for a different reason."

Roman blinked, suddenly seeming to notice Virgil's presence on the stairs. "Oh, hey, Virgil."

"Sup, Princey."

"Great to have you back with us, Paramore Absent, but where have you been the past few weeks?"

"Uhhh..."

"I mean, it's great and all that you didn't cut yourself off completely from Thomas this time, but what the heck, Mood Charlotte?"

"Roman!"

"I think we all would like to know what happened, but I'm sure there's a better way of asking..."

"I would certainly be interested in Virgil's explanation of his whereabouts over the last few weeks. However, asking him immediately after a panic attack seems impractical."

"Well, I'm sorry, but one little rebuke and he goes running for the hills? I mean, come on! Self-esteem issues much? Thomas has done everything in his power to make you feel heard, and you go and vanish again?"

"Pump the brakes, Princey!"

"I want an explanation!"

"And I'm sure you'll get one - if you back off. Sending Virge into another panic attack isn't going to help anyone get answers."

Heat flared in Virgil's cheeks. They didn't need to fight with each other about him like this. It was like they thought he was a bomb, primed to explode at the slightest prompting. Though... after his earlier theatrics, he could certainly understand why they'd think that. It was kind of strange but, for the first time in apparently weeks, he didn't actually feel like he was going to have a panic attack at any moment. He didn't enjoy Roman yelling at him, but he felt surprisingly stable at the moment, all things considered. Being outside of his room tended to do amazing things for his overall mood if he allowed himself to relax.

Virgil took a deep breath. "I'm okay, guys. No need to panic."

"It's not like you can talk," Roman grumbled.

"That is enough, Roman," Thomas interjected. "I didn't summon you here to incite a free-for-all insult war. Apparently, we need to have a conversation as a family, and I'd prefer it if we didn't spend the whole time snipping at one another."

"Fine."

Thomas turned to Virgil. "Do you want me to explain?"

Virgil nodded, resting his chin on his knees. Let the Inquisition begin...

"From what I have gathered from Virgil, we have a few misconceptions that need correcting. He doesn't think he represents Anxiety anymore..."

"What?!"

"Pardon?"

"Kiddo..."

"Let me finish, guys. Virgil seems to believe that he--"

"I'm Paranoia," Virgil blurted, interrupting Thomas. "I'm back to being Paranoia again. Now can we get on with kicking me out and sending me back to the Others already?"

"Well, that's being a bit overdramatic, and that’s coming from me!"

"Would you care to explain your reasoning, Virgil?"

"I haven't been helping Thomas; I've been hurting him. I haven't changed, not really. The only difference there is between now and before is that I don't scream as loud. My only meaningful contribution is to prevent Thomas from becoming a buffoon--"

"Hey!"

"--and I can do that from inside my room. What would be the point of inflicting myself on you when you don't even want me there?"

"That's not true, kiddo."

"So, you don't all think I'm paranoid?" Virgil accused.

"Of course, we don't!"

"Logan called me paranoid in the last video!"

"I will admit that my words were poorly chosen, but that doesn't mean that I believe that you are paranoid. I think that you are dealing with some cog--"

"Cognitive distortions, I know! Why do you think I was harassing Thomas in the first place? I specialise in creating cognitive distortions. That's what makes me Paranoia, not Anxiety!"

"If you are aware of them, then that means you are capable of deciphering and correcting them. Are you willing to work through them with me?"

"With all of us?" Patton asked.

"What would be the point? It'd be a waste of everyone's time."

Roman snorted derisively.

Virgil threw out a hand, gesturing in Roman's direction. "Even Princey agrees. It's not like I can change. It'd be like asking Patton not to feel or you not to think. I make Thomas paranoid – it's my core purpose."

"Falsehood. Regardless of whether you refer to yourself by your name or a moniker, your purpose within the mindscape has not changed."

"Driving Thomas insane?"

"Protecting Thomas from external threats. You also balance out the extremes of each of our respective influences, allowing us to work more harmoniously."

"How do you explain the last video, then? It's my fault that Thomas was tired enough to be susceptible to Remus' influence. You said so yourself!"

"While it is correct that yours and Patton's influence were contributing factors to Thomas' sleep deprivation, it came from a desire to protect Thomas, rather than injure him. That is the difference between Anxiety and Paranoia – intent."

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

"I sincerely doubt that there is an actual road to Hell, considering it is a metaphysical plane only technically accessible once a person has died, and if there was, I—"

"It's an idiom, Count Vernacular. You don't need to take everything--"

"Roman!"

"What I meant was that while good intentions are fine, it doesn't prevent bad things from happening. Just because I intended to protect Thomas doesn't change the fact that I didn't!"

"Oh, of course. I see." Logan took a moment to adjust his glasses. "In that case, should I too be exiled for my mistakes?"

"What? No..."

"I have caused harm to Thomas by negatively affecting his capacity to work due to my perfectionism. I have also caused significant distress to Roman for the same reasons."

"You just wanted the videos to be as good as they possibly could be."

"Indeed. My intentions were positive. But does that change the outcome?"

"No..."

"So, should I be exiled for my crimes against Thomas?"

"No!"

"And what of Roman or Patton? They have both become overexcited and caused Thomas difficulties in the past. Need I mention our excursion into Patton's room during the Guys and Dolls fiasco?"

"What? No! They couldn't help that. It was a bad time for all of us."

"So how are those cases different to the events of our last video?"

"I… I was…"

"You have been magnifying the issue, as well as overgeneralising. Not only was the incident not nearly as catastrophic as you may remember, but it was also only a single incidence of over-vigilance. You were justifiably frightened of a malevolent force that had been tormenting you for years. Just because that force proved to be less of a threat than you initially thought does not change the fact that you were serving your purpose to the best of your ability."

"But… I was one of them! What reason do you have to believe that I won't just do this again?"

"We know you, Virgil."

"We trust you, kiddo."

"Even I think you're worth keeping around, Gerard Way-Too-Stressed. I certainly can't protect Thomas alone."

"Roman…"

"But why do you trust me? You know what the others are like. They only hurt Thomas, and so do I!"

"Virgil, just because you were one of them once, doesn’t mean you still are. Your purpose has always been to protect me, right?"

"Yeah…"

"We both know that everyone gets overexcited in their roles. I mean, it wasn't just you that was pestering me that night."

It wasn't?

"Patton was just as pushy."

He was?

"Do you see me cutting him off?"

"But he's your Morality!"

"And you're my Caution. My vigilance, my fight-or-flight reflex. You are just as essential to me as Patton is – I am an absolute mess without you. So why would I treat you any differently?"

"But I haven't been useful to you! There's a vast difference between Caution and Paranoia, and we both know which category I really fall into."

"You were Fear before you were Anxiety, weren't you?"

Virgil's head jerked sharply in Thomas' direction. _How did he know? **How did he know?**_

Thomas gave a lopsided smile. "I didn't really have a word for anxiety when I was a kid, and you've been around a long time. You may have kept me up at night sometimes, but the monsters under the bed never got me."

"The monsters weren't real, Thomas."

"I know that now. But back then, the monsters were absolutely real and very likely to eat me if I didn't check before I went to sleep. It may seem like an overreaction now, but at the time, it was perfectly sensible. Logical, even."

"So, what’s your point?"

"My point is that you were acting on the information that you had. You react to both Roman and Remus' more outrageous contributions."

***Offended Princey Noises***

"That doesn't make you paranoid. It makes you sensitive."

Virgil screwed up his nose. "Sensitive?"

"Yes, sensitive. You're not to take that as an insult either, Virge. I wouldn't have you any other way."

Virgil rolled his eyes.

"Hey, if you weren't, we both know that I probably would have been hit by that car a couple of months ago.”

Virgil sighed. "True."

"I love you, Virge. You are an essential part of my psyche, and no matter what you do, I will always want you to be part of my life."

Thomas reached out and pulled the Anxious Side into a tight hug. Virgil rested his chin on Thomas’ shoulder and gripped his shirt. At least the touch wasn’t hurting nearly as badly this time – maybe this was something he could get accustomed to?

Virgil found himself fervently wishing that he was still wearing full makeup because he could feel his face burning bright red. He looked around the living room at the other Sides. They were all… smiling at him. Even Roman. Virgil's eyes began to prickle again. _This is getting ridiculous! I haven't cried this much in years._

"We all love you, kiddo. Don't jump to conclusions until you can come and talk to us."

"No more ducking out, okay?" Thomas' voice was soft in Virgil's ear. "Partial or otherwise. Come and talk to me before you go and isolate yourself."

"Okay."


End file.
